504158EF91EAA8A27A35DB2FC810D5BC

But wait… there’s more!

Thumb downFor the last six weeks or so I’ve been having a lot of pain from a lump under my right arm, my “alien baby”. I had a biopsy at the end of last month, and the results were a long time coming. I now have the first result. It’s a malignancy, apparently a new primary. I don’t know anything else at all.

For the sake of doing things expeditiously, I’m going to see an oncologist, probably the one I fired in fact, to get a new set of scans and so on. Then I’ll have more information and I’ll be able to decide what to do in terms of whether or not to treat and if so, with what modalities and to what extent.

I don’t really feel like writing more just now; I’m pretty upset, which I didn’t expect would happen. Stay tuned.


Image copyright: Stock Photo

54 Responses

  1. John Boyd says:

    You’ve earned the right to be “upset”. If we could take it away, we would. But all I can do is offer positive vibes, prayers, good thoughts; along with all the other positivity being sent your way from those of us you have impacted with your wisdom, strength and power.

  2. Rebecca says:

    I was not expecting this news, I am sorry. Remember to take deep breathes and to take one day at a time — I am guilty of forgetting this all the time. I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. Colleen says:

    Freaking cancer is a no good, low down, smelly, ground feeder and never, ever plays fair! I am so very sorry you are going through this. I, too, have been blindsided several times. Thinking being diagnosed at Stage IV at the age of 44 with two small children was the worst that could happen, I was FLOORED to find out the freaking cancer morphed to triple negative a few years later (what the heck????) Thinking that was bad enough (ah, but cancer is a freak with a sick sense of humor), I ignored signs that something was wrong with what was left of my reproductive organs. Tests indicated a new cancer–but not one to be too concerned about. Surgery yielded more unexpected news–it was a rare, aggressive cancer that had nearly chewed its way out of my uterus (seriously? I’m supposed to have any desire for sex after all of this????) Anywho my friend, I am feeling your pain emotionally, mentally, and I do believe even physically. I know what it’s gonna take to crawl back to your fired oncologist, and I am sorry you have to do so. However, right now the main thing is to treat that alien and get the pain under control. I find it interesting how we all deal with the aspect of pain meds; many of my sisters think morphine is the anti-Christ only to be used in dire circumstances. My story: bone pain throughout my skeletal system was so severe, my pain docs put me on daily doses of morphine years ago. I worked EIGHT YEARS under those circumstances…sometimes the drugs don’t space you out, they merely help keep the pain tolerable. Don’t fear them, embrace them. Love you!!!!!!

    • Knot Telling says:

      I’m well over my fear of pain meds by now! (But I still use them less than I should.)
      I’m sorry to hear your sorry. How awful!

  4. Julie Frayn says:

    Damn, damn, damn. Double damn. Be upset. Scream and kick and cry if you want to. That’s some very upsetting news. Damn some more…. xoxo

  5. Tracy Korhonen says:

    I’ve been praying this news would not come. Tears are flowing and I’m so very sad you have more cancer shit to endure. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers brave lady.

  6. Stephanie says:

    Argh!

    Oh Claire, more hard, scary, angrifying stuff to deal with…and with less than optimal medical support. Blessings during these next days as you confront more unknowns.

    I too am facing a possible new primary on top of the MBC. I took the scan, but turned down the biopsy (it’s in my abdomen), because I wouldn’t pursue any new treatments. So, I live with unknowns and deal with everything that arises as it does. It does. It will. And there’re still beauty, love, connection.

    Thank you for reaching out to us, Claire. May you lean into our support.

    My heart is with you.

  7. I am thinking about you. As others have said, get as upset as you darn please. You’re entitled. I will definitely stay tuned. Good luck with your meeting. xx

  8. Melissa B says:

    Prayers are coming your way. Virtual hugs abound. Please take care of yourself.

  9. Andi Swatts says:

    my soul groans. my heart breaks. tears run down my cheeks. praying for you.

  10. jenn says:

    I am so very sorry to hear this and i am with you in your pain. May it lessen. In peace, Jenn

  11. Carol Miele says:

    Claire, I’m truly sorry about your news & will pray hard that new treatment can put it int remission. Just one thing about pain control…usually it’s best to take a pain medicine at the start of the pain & not wait. It’s more effective than when the pain is almost overwhelming. I know you’re a bit reluctant to take narcotics, as am I…could they prescribe a non-narcotic or at least a patch for transdermal relief? With the latter, you wouldn’t have to get up to take pills as they usually are good for 24 hours (like Fentanyl). Warm hugs…a stranger to you, but a fellow nurse & metster, therefore, part of a sisterhood (not the kind with black veils, mind you, but a sisterhood just the same!).

    • Knot Telling says:

      Good points, Carol. I hope I get sensible sooner rather than later! It’s a control issue, at least in large part. Cancer takes away so much of our center of control and that is really hard for me to tolerate.

  12. Kathi says:

    Alien Baby can just suck it. And so can whoever made you wait this long to find out what was happening. I’m pretty darned upset myself. Grrr and @#$%^&*#!!! Thinking of you and sending healing mojo and love.

  13. Susan says:

    Claire I am so upset for you. I think that any action you take is worth it to get relief and answers. It’s so hard to function when in excruciating pain. You don’t deserve this. Hugs and xoxo- Susan

    • Knot Telling says:

      Thank you, Susan. Yes, at last now we can know what steps are appropriate for dealing with the pain. (And I don’t have to start thinking about sharpening the rim of my ice cream scoop for a DIY jobbie!)

  14. JoAnn says:

    Don’t know if this will go through, but it is a picture of a big patch of wild daisies, found in the most northern part of Michigan, just for you. They are beautiful–just like you. Sending hugs.

    /Users/joannbaldwin-glenn/Desktop/IMG_2610.jpg

    • Knot Telling says:

      Oops! It didn’t go through. (It’s a link to your own computer.) But I can see it in my mind’s eye. Thank you!

  15. I am so sorry to hear this news. Good luck as you work through what to do next. Will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

  16. emma says:

    Sorry, Knot. xxxxxxxx

  17. Maxine D says:

    Oh Knots, what can I say other than I too am gutted, angry and upset all at once for and with you.
    Gentle cyner (((((hugs))))) and continued prayers
    Blessings
    Maxine

  18. Susanne says:

    If you want to say the kind of words you know I’d say, you can say them to me and they’ll stay private between us. Or you can tell them to Mooshie. He won’t let on that you might have a potty mouth. This is the kind of circumstance where swearing is appropriately acceptable. Fucking cancer, fuck that shit, fucking new primary can fuck itself in the fucking ear with a piece of shit fucking chainsaw. Fuck.

  19. Yapcab says:

    If you’re like me, I figured out what I fear is change. This potentially a big change. Sorry you’re having to experience it. I suspect with time things will get easier. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

  20. Colleen says:

    Susanne, you are better trained than most! Don’t forget my personal fave, “Cancer sucks moose cock!”

  21. Carrie says:

    I’m upset, too. I know it’s not the news you were looking for. I also know that this is a stressful time. I hope you get the answers to all of your questions quickly. I will be sending positive vibes your way.

    • Knot Telling says:

      Carrie, that’s very sweet of you. I was sort of hoping someone would tell me it was all in my head.

  22. Elizabeth J. says:

    Claire, so sorry for your awful news. I’m sure the stress of the long wait made it worse. You have every right to be as upset as you want. You are still in my prayers. {{{hugs}}}

    • Knot Telling says:

      Thank you, Elizabeth. It’s hard to allow myself to be upset, but I’m trying to be kind to myself.

  23. Terry says:

    Know I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. There may be long silences but they are filled with warm remembrance and persistent hope.

  24. Mae says:

    My heart hit the floor with this news. React in a manner that feels right… as there is nothing “right” about any of this. You are an inspiration…. and I am sending positive thoughts and strength your way which seems so small in the grand scheme of things.

  25. Knot, of course you’re upset. Anyone would be and we’re upset just hearing your bad news. Know that I’m sending you love and hugs. I’m so very sorry to hear this.

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