I am sick and tired of dealing with stuff.

I’ve had it up to here with calmly facing reality.

I am well and truly fed up with creative problem solving.

I have metastatic cancer. I am in pain. I am going to die much sooner than I should. Isn’t that enough? Will someone please turn off the shit faucet?

It’s nothing huge this time, but even a feather can be just that little bit too much. I’ll write again when I’ve calmed down.

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56 Responses

  1. Agnès says:

    Many loves sent to you. Light ones. I can’t do more, I’m afraid.

  2. I’m with you 100%…I think there are just some days we can’t pretend, we can’t do the happy face, we can’t fit in to the normality xxx

  3. You have every right to be pissed off! Yell, scream, holler, get it out and do what makes you feel better not some platitudes that those of us who aren’t in your shoes think you should feel, be, or do. Don’t take shit from anyone!

  4. Emma Flesser says:

    Take more meds, Knot. A big hug from Maine.

    • Knot Telling says:

      It wasn’t physical pain that brought me down yesterday, Emma, but I did take a pill when I usually would have white-knuckled it, and that allowed me several hours of deep, restorative sleep. Love you (and B – tell him so).

  5. heyjudyjudy says:

    Well, hell. I really really hate this for you and would give anything to be able to make it stop. I have this visual of having a big wrench that would shut off the shit faucet for good. But, I can’t do any of those things. I can pray and love you from afar – so that’s what I’m doing. I. know its not enough, tho.

  6. Nuff said! Sometimes it doesn’t take volumes to perfectly express what you are feeling.

  7. zippyrose says:

    I’ll say it again: Good for you for telling it like it is, Claire. This may be a short blog entry, but it is powerful nonetheless. Sometimes things are just shitty – when dealing with metastatic cancer, it’s more often than not. My heart is with you; you are not alone. XOXO

    • Knot Telling says:

      Thank you so much, zippyrose. Yes, this post is far shorter than my usual, but that was all I had to say.
      I really feel that I am not alone, and that makes so much difference! I’m very grateful to you and everyone.

  8. Primo Melon says:

    You and I know why this is really wrong. There is nothing I can say so I’ll say nothing.

  9. kb says:

    NOT FAIR! I don’t care if it makes me sound juvenile, I’m feeling it here, and I suspect you are too.

  10. MC says:

    Rage against the machine?

  11. Susan Rustad says:

    Just learned have mets to the lung. It’s absolutely the shits, and I can’t get myself out of the hole you’re in, pills or no pills. Plus people coming for dinner tonight. Put on a happy face!


    • Knot Telling says:

      Oh, Susan! I am so very sorry to hear your news.
      Do you have good support, do you have the online resources?
      Please don’t hesitate to write me on the blog or by email (address is in the side bar) if I can do anything.

      Gentle hugs, sweet Susan.

  12. NotDownOrOut says:

    There are time when platitudes help. This isn’t one them. Do you need to hear something? Is this a time when you need something others can give? Because there appear to be lots of people out here who get upset at the thought of what you bear up under. You do not deserve pain or suffering or cancer. If not, then vent. I think everyone is prepared to hear whatever you are feeling.

    • Susan says:

      I hear you and I feel so helpless. At the same time I am so upset that you are in this horrible pain. I know when I was in awful pain because I had my bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and proceeded to fracture my right foot and then break my left hip. I went to a pain specialist who really prescribed the right pain medication that was time released and I told him I needed to drive (I drove while getting in to the car walking with a really embarrassing walker) and I had no problem concentrating on driving. Being a former ballet dancer I was pretty humiliated.

      He’s also is a psychiatrist so he prescribed the right anti-depressant for me that made it so I could sleep. Many of the anti-depressants were not for me and he found the right one. I hate that you have mets and I know every case is different but I am hoping that you can find the right person who can prescribe medicines that can get rid of the pain and doesn’t make you feel so dopey that you can’t drive etc., and this pain doesn’t run your life. I also know breast cancer comes with so much anxiety and when you are in horrible pain there is no way you can function. I know why you want to resist this route and I am only saying all of this from a place of hoping to be helpful. No matter what I really care! I send you the biggest hugs ever. xoxo – Susan

      • Knot Telling says:

        Thanks so much for taking the time to write, Susan.

        I have started taking opiates, but not all the time. I see that in the not-too-distant future, though.

        This post was about something else that happened, relatively minor, but when added to everything else just tipped me over the edge.

        I hear your caring, and am so grateful for it. Hugs back at you, Susan!

    • Knot Telling says:

      Thank you so much, Not Down or Out. I do need some physical help, but because of where I live, it is not easy to get it. Working on it, though.

      And in the meantime I have no scruples about venting my little heart out here in the blog and on Facebook.

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.

  13. Maxine D says:

    Hugs, prayers Peace – I cannot say more, other than may my tears sooth you.

  14. mariaratliff says:

    I pray God’s arms of comfort & healing ease your pain. Love & prayers from Rome, GA!

  15. May you get the comfoprt and serenity you need asap (((((((((((((((knots)))))))))))))))) and as always smoochies on the cheek from Tx

  16. and may Tx here get the spell check he needs LOL

  17. Emma Flesser says:

    But “comfoprt” might be an amazing thing!

  18. KT, you know why the shit faucet runs? Because you’re still alive. Because you’re living on Planet Earth. Shit happens here. At least sometimes. It mixes in with the good stuff, kind of like compost, which makes things grow even if it stinks. I’m so sorry you’re going through everything you’re going through. I’m sending you lots of love.

  19. Shunra says:

    FUCK CANCER! (I wish I had something smarter to say. All I have is anger at its attacks on too many people I love.)

  20. YAPCaB says:

    We’re here listening as soon as you’re ready to tell us.

  21. damn that shit faucet! I am livid about ANYTHING that is rocking your world. you don’t deserve it, not one single bit. just sending you love and gentle hugs to soothe your weariness with the whole damned thing.

    love and light, XOXO

    Karen, TC

  22. Renn says:

    The straw that broke the camel’s back is mightier (and a whole lot heavier) than the sword sometimes.

    And that is my mish-mash of proverbs for the day.

    {{{hugs}}} to you, always!

  23. Tracy says:

    thinking of you Knot

  1. 3 August, 2013

    […] The reality of metastatic cancer is unflinchingly portrayed this week by Scorchy, Lisa, Lori and Knot Telling. […]

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