I’m fine, I’m angry, I’m crying, I’m fine…
I’m not a pretty picture at the moment. Today is Friday. On Tuesday morning I’ll have the bone scan to verify the extent of the new mets (metastasis), and the results from that should probably come in a few days later. I am stressed and anxious and my mood is changing with astonishing frequency.
For the first few days after I learned about the new lesions in my skull I was doing the Denial Dance with great energy. It’s a clerical error; they sent me someone else’s results. Well, okay these are my results but the radiologist read the pictures wrong. Okay, the radiologist saw what she saw, but it’s artifactual; nothing wrong with me at all. Okay, there really are skull lesions, but they are from a childhood injury. And so on.
Huge debts of gratitude to the dear friends who supported me while I went through those painfully distorted maneuvers, especially to the MD down south and the RN up north. You two have been wonderfully supportive and also demonstrated great forbearance by not laughing at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. Thank you.
So, I’m pretty much past that now (except for occasional moments of “No! Nonononono!”), but still very stressed. My mood is… labile. I switch from finding everything funny to sobbing pitifully in nothing flat. At times I can pray and find my center in prayer, and at other times I can’t sit still for two consecutive minutes. I can work productively or not at all. I frenetically clean my house or I sit motionless.
I’ve never been one for half-measures, but this is ridiculous!
Just yesterday I whined to a friend about not understanding why I’m like this. My friend wisely did not explain it to me at that time, did not say, “Um… can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S?” Today I decided to write a post, and as soon as I opened the interface I realized that this is all just a stress reaction. Why couldn’t I see that yesterday? I was too stressed out, I guess.