I need a grown-up to help me today.

I don’t often use this blog to talk in detail about my health issues, but today I’ll make an exception. For the past several weeks or couple of months I’ve been experiencing disturbing symptoms that may be caused by any one of a number of different things, from the dire to the trivial. But since I have metastatic breast cancer and a brain tumor is one of the possible causes of my symptoms, and the brain is one of the places breast cancer metastasizes to, my neurologist is sending me for a CT (computerized tomography scan) of my brain.

She is asking for two sets of scans: one with and one without contrast agent (dye). The problem is that I’ve had a non-life-threatening allergic reaction to the contrast agent in the past, so I need special preparation with cortisone beforehand and a physician must be present when they administer the agent. Without going into the painful details, it is proving difficult to find the place and the people I need to talk to make these arrangements.

I’ve been trying for several days, and I am just not having any success. I’m usually very good at dealing with bureaucracy and administrative requirements, but I’m getting more and more frustrated and confused. And that is worrying me, because part of the reason I need the scan is because of a perceived impairment of my cognitive function.

So here I am. Anxious and tense and knowing what I need to do, theoretically able to do it (having done it in the past), and yet not able to do it. I feel out of my depth. I want a grown-up to take over for a while!

Instead, I’ll have a rest and listen to an audio book or watch a film and forget about it for today. Tomorrow morning I’ll be fresh and alert and I’m sure things will be much easier.

P.S. I’ve been trying to remember a familiar psalm or poem or quotation about anxiety and care being greater at night and less in the morning, but I can’t put my finger on it. Ring any bells? Anyone?

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10 Responses

  1. heyjudyjudy says:

    I found these verses –

    “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night” (Psalm 63:6).

    “Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord” (Lamentations 2:19a).

    “I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put
    hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises” (Psalm 119:147-148).

    “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

    “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

    “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared” (Proverbs 3:24-26).

    “You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you” (Psalm 91:5-7).

    “I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me” (Psalm 3:5)

    “He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:3-4).

    “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him” (Psalm 62:5).

    “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).

    “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD” (Psalm 112:7).

    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

    “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

  2. I always think of Shakespeare:

    “Sleep that knits up the ravell’d sleave of care,
    The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath,
    Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
    Chief nourisher in life’s feast.”

    I hope you rest well.

  3. Maxine D says:

    Praying – I can do no more from here. So glad to see all the scriptures there for you already.

  4. Sillyman says:

    Glad also that you received scripture. I was thinking of “The Lorica” or “The Deer Cry” as a girding on to greet the challenges of the day and remember that I am not alone. You are held deeply in the hearts of those you have touched.

    Full Text:

    I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, through belief in the Threeness, through confession of the Oneness of the Creator of creation.

    I arise today through the strength of Christ with His Baptism,
    through the strength of His Crucifixion with His Burial,
    through the strength of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
    through the strength of His descent for the Judgment of Doom.

    I arise today through the strength of the love of Cherubim
    in obedience of Angels, in the service of the Archangels,
    in hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
    in prayers of Patriarchs, in predictions of Prophets,
    in preachings of Apostles, in faiths of Confessors,
    in innocence of Holy Virgins, in deeds of righteous men.

    I arise today, through the strength of Heaven:
    light of Sun, brilliance of Moon, splendour of Fire,
    speed of Lightning, swiftness of Wind, depth of Sea,
    stability of Earth, firmness of Rock.

    I arise today, through God’s strength to pilot me:
    God’s might to uphold me, God’s wisdom to guide me,
    God’s eye to look before me, God’s ear to hear me,
    God’s word to speak for me, God’s hand to guard me,
    God’s way to lie before me, God’s shield to protect me,
    God’s host to secure me:
    against snares of devils, against temptations of vices,
    against inclinations of nature, against everyone who
    shall wish me ill, afar and anear, alone and in a crowd.

    I summon today all these powers between me (and these evils):
    against every cruel and merciless power that may oppose my body and my soul, against incantations of false prophets,
    against black laws of heathenry,
    against false laws of heretics, against craft of idolatry,
    against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
    against every knowledge that endangers man’s body and soul.
    Christ to protect me today
    against poison, against burning,
    against drowning, against wounding,
    so that there may come abundance of reward.

    Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me,
    Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
    Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
    Christ in breadth, Christ in length, Christ in height,
    Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
    Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
    Christ in every eye that sees me,
    Christ in every ear that hears me.

    I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, through belief in the Threeness, through confession of the Oneness of the Creator of creation.
    Salvation is of the Lord. Salvation is of the Lord. Salvation is of Christ. May Thy Salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

  5. pooky says:

    You asked:
    P.S. I’ve been trying to remember a familiar psalm or poem or quotation about anxiety and care being greater at night and less in the morning, but I can’t put my finger on it. Ring any bells? Anyone?

    Psalm 143
    143 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

    3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

    4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

    5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

    6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

    7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

    8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

    It doesn’t seem to appear often in lists of comforting Psalms, but it has comforted me in some very, very dark places.

    Love and prayers,

  6. Knot Telling says:

    Thank you so much, everyone, for the comments and quotations. Pooky, I think that Ps 143 may very well be the one I was thinking of.

  7. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)”

  8. I am sorry that it wasn’t soon after your post, but I did find this that seemed to fit what you were asking for, but I only joined wordpress yesterday.

  9. Knot Telling says:

    Velcro, welcome to WordPress! I enjoyed the first post on your blog and I’m looking forward to reading more.

  1. 5 July, 2012

    […] this is strange. In the weeks and days leading up to my recent CT, I was a quivering mess of anxiety and drama. I divided my time between obsessively cleaning my house and taking advantage […]

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